The New York Times writer Daniel Goleman prophetically wrote way back in 1989, about how abuse victims who become parents can intentionally inflict more harm on their children through their unwillingness to address past abuse themselves.
As I read this compelling article, and reflected on both my personal experiences and those of my clients, one truth echoed. "Skill or Will". You either want something bad enough to enact change, or you dont.
I understand now; the different between skill and will. Do you lack the skill, but want to grow; or do you prefer to keep things as they are; and are unwilling to acquire new skills....
It matters because one path requires introspection; the ability to look inward and become "woke."
Awareness, of the role trama has played in their lives. Mindfulness of the impact on the lives of their intimate relationships; especially the potential generational consequences.
Yes, I believe its; "intentionally," because at some point continuing to be silent, avoiding willfully to engage in any conversations around truth is willful, self-serving, and abusive to children.
Ignoring the realities in the room lead to a perpetual cycle; generation suffering. The kids saw that black-eye, they heard those words; spoken that can never be taken back, but they are expected to ignore.
After enduring sexual or physical abuse they come to realize that you; their parent, is unable or unwilling for "what-ever" reason to save them from that monster.
Those moment(s) change everything for that child. They can carry it into adulthood. They learn to fear from the attacks on it. It is diminished and assaulted into silence.
Very early, we begin to understand that to even hint
that it could be a problem, became a problem so to address it directly; (it = abuse ) the cost is to high. Its would clearly be a recipe for escalation; physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse; so we lie; by "omission of self."
We lie to ourselves and by example our children.
By doing so we inflict harm. We teach them to lie, self-loath and sacrifice self to anything which serves to ease the disgust & disconnect, that builds and festers within.
Daniel Goleman', article reveals, "key factors found to worsen the long-term impact of abuse are: abuse that started early, abuse that lasted for a long time, abuse in which the perpetrator had a close relationship to the victim, abuse that the child perceived as particularly harmful, and abuse that occurred within a cold emotional atmosphere in the family. These factors, researchers say, help identify which children need treatment most urgently."
Its time to break previous cycles. Its time to heal. I'm here to support you. To listen without judgement.
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"Sad Legacy Of Abuse: The Search For Remedies"
By DANIEL GOLEMAN Published: January 24, 1989
CHILDREN and adults who were victims of child abuse are coming under intensified study by researchers who hope to learn what distinguishes those who go on to become abusers themselves from those who grow up to be good parents.
In the hope of finding ways to break the tragic cycle, the new research is identifying particular experiences in childhood and later in life that allow a great many abused children to overcome their sad legacy.
Studies also now indicate that about one-third of people who are abused in childhood will become abusers themselves. This is a lower percentage than many experts had expected, but obviously poses a major social challenge.
The research also confirms that abuse in childhood increases the likelihood in adulthood of problems ranging from depression and alcoholism to sexual maladjustment and multiple personality.
The studies are also uncovering specific factors that help many victims grow into a well-adjusted adulthood, and factors that push others toward perpetuating the pattern of violence. The findings should help therapists improve treatment of abused children or formerly abused adults, helping them recover from their trauma.
''Studies showing that a high proportion of troubled adults were abused in childhood tell only part of the story,'' said Dr. Richard Krugman, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Colorado Medical School and director of the C. Henry Kempe Center for Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse and Neglect. ''There are substantial numbers of men and women who were abused as children, but who are not themselves child abusers, drug abusers, criminals or mentally disturbed.''
Key factors found to worsen the long-term impact of abuse are: abuse that started early, abuse that lasted for a long time, abuse in which the perpetrator had a close relationship to the victim, abuse that the child perceived as particularly harmful, and abuse that occurred within a cold emotional atmosphere in the family. These factors, researchers say, help identify which children need treatment most urgently.
Victims of abuse frequently respond to the trauma by denying that any abuse occurred or by blaming themselves for the abuse, which they often view as justified discipline from adults, the studies show.
But many victims can overcome the trauma with the emotional support of a friend or relative or through therapy that makes them aware that they were not to blame for abuse inflicted by their parents.
Victims of abuse can almost always benefit from therapy to deal with the psychological effects of being so terribly treated, such as a damaged sense of self-worth and conflicts between wanting to love their parents while recognizing the abuse that happened.